I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This is the high leading the old right now
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
