You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
