you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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