No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
