Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
