areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He kissed a someone with a penis
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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