I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
