god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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