I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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