my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
