So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
