My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
