i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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