I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
