I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Randomize