So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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