dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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