if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
People with herpes should wear stickers.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Randomize
