remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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