I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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