I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
