you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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