Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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