dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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