Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
