the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
