i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
