Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
