I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
