"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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