cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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