sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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