I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
