i just wanna soil my oats bro
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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