I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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