Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
