if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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