on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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