my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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