3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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