when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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