so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
