i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize