he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
