Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
