dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
