I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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