"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
