pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize