I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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