Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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