the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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