I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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