If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
