# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my phone needs a breathalizer
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
sarcasm needs its own font
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
