Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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