my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There's a naked man in my car right now.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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