my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
