when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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