someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
