Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
