why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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