I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
