dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
