a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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